Holiday Spirit

It has been well over a month since I last wrote...so caught up in life's adventures. I noticed that the 17th of November was the last time I wrote. I started to reflect on what has transpired since then...Thanksgiving, children's schoolwork, children's holiday programs (please multiply the latter two by 4 since I have four children), holiday guests, preparing for Christmas and more, yes more, holiday programs performed by very talented individuals if I do say so myself!

As much as I enjoy the idea behind the holidays like giving thanks and celebrating survivals, victories, families and births (depending on your faith), I wonder if the deep rooted meaning of all these combined faiths' reason for celebrating somehow got caught up in commercialism with the passage of time? Actually, I don't wonder, I know. When my son can see a gift in the back of my car and look into it and say "mom, that's not what I wanted." Instead of, well first, he shouldn't be looking! Second, he should have said, "hey mom, thanks...couldn't help myself but peek!"

As many of you know, I am Zoroastrian. I hear so many of you saying "what?" and it is no wonder. It is a dying faith, but if you look it up you will see it's historical significance. In a nutshell, it was the FIRST faith to say there is only ONE God. It's teachings are simple, to "do good, say good and think good." Our major celebration this time of year, as is true for most Iranians, is Shab-e Yalda (literally "night of birth"), the longest night of the year - a celebration of the winter solstice where families gathers to share in fresh fruit and nuts; a reminder of their thankfulness for the harvested crops that they were still able to gather during the winter months. From this night forward (Shab-e Yalda), days become longer and the "birth" of more light (longer days) meant more potential for survival. The next celebration to look forward to was the spring solstice where everything is renewed and the earth as awakened from its winter slumber.

So if we look back at history and see that religions, faiths as I prefer to say because I believe that all of us share one God, celebrated for a purpose and gave "gifts" of nuts, fruit, food, friendship, oil for light as gifts of thanks...where and why did humanity deviate from that path.

Well, to those of you who are reading this...even if it is only myself...I am old-fashioned in so many ways and pray on a daily basis for humanity to return to humanness. My favorite artist/singer/"spiritualist" who I miss to this day is John Lennon so forgive me for quoting his lyrics because as I walk the malls or listen to the radio, in my mind, this is the only song playing:

JOHN LENNON
"Imagine"

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

A Heart Shared

For days I have been mulling things in my head to write about....so much to say, but not sure that all is worthy of being said. Today, I heard from a friend, Alison. A high school friend whom I have not spoken to in years. To say I am Facebook unsavvy would be putting it quite graciously, but that is how Alison reached out to me.

I am a firm believer that nothing is random. Today, as I was contemplating all that is and was, I get an email from her via Facebook, "Just wanted to let you know: back in high school you gave me a little silver heart pendant on a chain. I put it on a silk cord, and now my little daughter wears it all the time. And every time she does, I think of you! Hope good fortune follows you everywhere, Alison."

My immediate reaction was tears not born of sadness, but of remembrance; of a gift given and for the passage of time that would see that gift now worn by a friend's child. Where does time go? How do we spend it? share it? give it?

To know that a small token of friendship passes on to another generation is like knowing that life doesn't stop...it continues. Like friendships born of understanding and sharing; like love shared at various depths; like a future yet to be experienced but secured by the knowledge that our past has set a solid foundation for us to move forth...that is what I feel.

Thank you Alison for passing on a token of our friendship so that it may live on with your daughter and in our memories and hearts!

5 Lbs Sugar Jar

Several weeks ago, I was speaking to a buyer of a major company about our company's pregnancy pillow. She was honest and funny at the same time...telling me, "we carry only 3 pregnancy pillows; and there is only so much shelf space...you know what I mean. I mean you can only fit 5 lbs of sugar in a 5 lbs jar!" I laughed and said I understood very well; not neglecting to mention that The Utterly Yours Pregnancy Pillow is the smallest, most compact pillow that not only simultaneously supports your lower back and abdomen, but also is recommended by OB-GYNs!" A lot for a 5 lbs jar (in my humble opinion) and well worth her shelf space.

Well, as with anything business related or otherwise for that matter, you plant a seed and water it - hoping it will grow and come to fruition. The waiting is the hardest part especially when your mind and heart are fully devoted. So why title this entry, 5 lbs sugar jar?

I started asking myself a question a few days after my conversation with the buyer of that major company, "how much sugar can you fit in a 5 lbs jar?" Thinking of my body as that jar and recalling a story from many years past about a professor who stood behind his podium holding a jar filled to the brim with large stones. He asks his students, "is the jar full?" They unanimously say yes! He reaches under the podium and finds smaller rocks that he gently pours into the jar filling in the spaces between the stones. "Is the jar full now?" he asks his students and again, they say yes, but a little more hesitantly. He reaches under the podium and pulls out a bag of sand that he pours into the jar; again, filling small spaces. He turns to the class and asks the class, "is the jar NOW full?" The class is silent as if they knew there was more to come and there was...a cup of water. "Now," the professor stated, "the jar is full!"

It was a profound idea to me even back then because our perception of what we can do, what we can achieve, who we can be...they are all seemingly predefined by some unknown factors we have stored in our mental "file cabinets". The professor was trying to visually tell his students to question their predefined notions..."to leave no stone unturned" in essence.

So to hear this buyer talk about a jar of sugar, I knew what she meant about shelf space being limited, but in my mind I was thinking how much potential was in our package. Then that thought led to me searching my internal jar to see how full it was and how much more it could hold. There are days when the jar feels like it will burst and there are days when I am so warmed by thoughts that the "sugar" in this metaphorical jar (body) has melted to syrup and there is Oh, so SO much more room for more!

May everyone's jar be, first and foremost, filled with sugar, but may there also, always, be warmth in your hearts to turn that sugar to syrup and make room for more.

Mommy why...?

Ever been asked the question "mommy why...?" followed by anything from as simple as why the sky is blue to as complex as to why do we die? My four-year-olds questions are rather easy to answer. They usually have to do with colors, shapes, and letters. My eight-year-olds questions aren't so bad either; they usually pertain to tennis, math questions, playdates and his "why's" are usually why I have said "no". My twelve-year-olds questions used to be difficult, but now they are a bit easier; they usually pertain to make-up, clothes, friends and homework (have to admit that in the latter, I don't always have the answers...guess I'm not "smarter than a 7th grader")! It is the eleven-year-olds questions that have always thrown me into the depths of my soul searching for answers to not just appease him, but also set him at ease.

The other night, he could not sleep and asked if I would lay next to him. I knew it was "question/answer" time. He laid quietly for a moment and then asked, "mom, why to bad things happen to good people?" God, a question I have asked myself thousands of times and had yet to find the answer. What do I say? How do I ease his obvious sadness. In my silence, he went on to ask, "why do people have to die?" "How are you so sure that there is a God, a heaven?" OK...I was still spiraling from question number 1...now what do I say? I decided to say what I silently say to myself when these questions arise in my heart and mind.

I answered simply, "I believe in God because He has shown me comfort in moments of pain and in moments of happiness. I have never seen Him, but I believe he surrounds us. Your grandfather taught you that as well by saying his prayers daily and reassuring you of all that he had witnessed in life to prove that a greater force was guiding humanity." This, by the way, came from a man who had seen his share of many and unfortunate losses from one of his son's dying to his wife being hit by a car to siblings dying to surviving wars and hard financial times. Yet, he was steadfast in his beliefs and in God. He made certain to share that belief with all of us he loved and with those who would listen. Reminding my son about his grandfather managed to at least let him take a deep breath; remembering his grandfather seems to do that to all of us.

"So why do bad things happen to good people?" "I don't know son, but live a good life and be the best human being you can be so that when you rest your head on your pillow at night, you know that you lived well and treated those around you justly; wake up the next day with the objective to continue being true to yourself. Watch for signs of God in everything; open your heart to 'hearing' Him and you'd be surprised how often He'll answer." I went on to tell him that if we spend our time looking for the bad or only seeing the bad or not even attempting to right a wrong then we are living a life that is full of sorrow and that is not what life is supposed to be about. Being happy and sharing your happiness...now that's living! In my mind I was thinking that an eleven-year-old doesn't need to bear "the weight of the world".

As I left the bed with a son now fast asleep and seemingly at peace, I couldn't help think about something I had heard...a spoonful of salt in a cup of water would be very distasteful to drink, but a spoonful of salt in a gallon of water would be easier to drink. What does that mean to me/you... if you could put all the bad into a spoonful, but make the world a gallon of good...then the world would be a much more "tasteful" place to exist.

To say I am not apprehensive of what my son's next "mommy why..." question will be wouldn't be a truthful statement, but with each question and with each day's experiences, I am getting more adept at answering because I have learned to "hear" more with my heart.

Education...and more

As I expressed my frustrations with my cousin tonight about my children being so dependent on me for completing their homework, that her simple comment back was...let them face the consequence of their actions or inactions. "How can I? They will get a bad grade?" In my mind, I was thinking, "they won't get into Harvard, Stanford..." Her truthful response (I am paraphrasing of course) was that fail now and learn rather than fail later when no one can "save" them. I won't be around forever, but often I think I push so hard for things in life because I want more for my children and even for others than I had for myself. I believe education is the "last frontier" so to speak. Meaning, everything in life nowadays can't be bought with money...most of us don't have it to do so. Health can't be maintained when emotions on are overload 24/7; love grows dim and dies as worries take root where love once had planted a seed...like a weed taking over the lawn and leaving nothing but devastation of the heart, soul and mind. Education, however, whether it gets you into Harvard or Stanford or not is not the point; education gives you power.

It is empowering to know that life holds no limits; that the exploration of the world, the earth, your back yard holds no limits; that with education you know the value of a life...human, animal, plant. With knowledge comes the realization of what matters and it is not material things I can assure you. So do I, as a mom, want to see my child at a podium giving a valedictorian speech during Harvard's graduation because of the the school s/he is graduating from or would the fact that any podium s/he stands behind to give that speech would be just as rewarding? I believe the latter would hold true...it's not the institution, but what was instilled in my child's own self-will that got him/her to that podium.

As the world has watch Chile bring miner after miner out from under the earth with unwavering faith and perseverance, it has been done so by educated men and women combining their wills and their strengths to see each life saved. Was their pursuit in saving these lives for recognition, fame? Maybe for some, but I sincerely believe the miracles we are watching in Chile are due to individuals who have used their various levels of education and faith to prove to the world the the "last frontier" is saving humanity and showing humaneness. Maybe an educated world would see the value in life rather than the value in a dollar.

When to stop worrying...

Is there ever a time when you stop worrying? From one's children, to extended family, friends, finances...does it ever stop? I was listening to a web broadcast by Rick Hanson who has written a book titled Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. It is a book I have not read, but intend to because as I hear more and more of this gentleman's words the more I am convinced that your spirituality is one aspect of who you are, but your brain plays such an important role in the way we process life not to mention the emotions life encompasses.

So back to my original question, "is there ever a time when you stop worrying?" If you realize that our ancestor's brains were "wired" to "fight or flight" then you get an understanding of where present day man gets his worries. I often feel like I am "fighting" for everything (I do not mean, yelling, I mean working harder and harder, fighting to make life's ends meet). If I'm not "fighting" then I find myself in a "flight" mode... it's amazing the comfort I can find with my head under my sheets in bed hiding from the world even if it is only momentarily! Lord knows that with children, a husband, a dog not to mention a company, you can only hide under the sheets for so long!

I believe that the emotion of worrying is a worthless emotion. It hinders us from moving and acting and changing the things we are concerned about. Reminding myself that all is good and that all will work the way it is meant to work at least gives me the peace of mind to continue in my endeavors and "fights". I don't think as a parent one will ever stop being concerned about their child(ren)'s well-being, but to inhibit their lives and their growth whether emotional, physical or mental is a crime...well at least it should be a misdemeanor. Children need wings to fly and their flight should be a source of pride for us as parents; now that doesn't mean we shouldn't have "runway lights" on to help guide them. In terms of work, at the end of the day, did worrying "buy" me anything? I can assure you that it does not; it only prevents productiveness and continued perseverance towards one's goals.

If hindsight is 20/20, reflecting on past worries may be a good place to learn lessons from in that the answers we discover will more than likely be that the worries only led to more gray hairs, wrinkles, diminished quality of life and probably a shortening of one's life as well. God knows, I don't need more gray hairs, wrinkles, etc.

I would like to put "worrying" into perspective...it was an emotion our ancestors had to have to survive so that we could exist today. So don't just exist...LIVE and live well.

Passages...

Seems like forever since I last wrote, but as God is my witness I have reasons/excuses! Namely four children, five...if you count the dog, and SIX, if you count the husband. The latter, in my humble opinion, should actually count as more than one child...twins maybe? Anyways, I digress...

Most of those close to me know, I am a "bit" of a perfectionist..."bit" is in quotations because those close to me would argue, in court, that I had committed perjury and in so doing, must be punished! OK, so I'm a perfectionist...I can't help it! From my children, to my family, to my work, to my products, to my...you name it...it has to be just right. My mother complains, that I clean the house ever morning before leaving so that if robbers were to come they would find the neatness impressive and also have an easier time robbing me...how dare she ;-)! I keep my home clean because I am, what's that word? Oh, I hear all of you shouting "anal", but I was looking for a nicer word - seems to allude me right now!

Anyways, for the several weeks/months I have had to come to the humble conclusion that my children no longer want me to homeschool them. They told me so point blank. I swallowed my pride and had to accept that I can not force my views on them or live vicariously through them. They are individuals with rights, mindsets, self-developed senses of wisdom and justice...my role here is one of guidance. I think it hit "home" most when they all, almost in unison said, they wanted me as their mommy and not as their teacher. I was literally brought to tears...had I not been their mother all this time?

After weeks of what seemed like endless phone calls, paper trails to be followed and filled out, petitioning and driving, a chapter was completed with a new one to be written - our children were moving forward into what I prayed would be situations that would help them grow and feel complete in environments that were healthier for them and with starts that gave them renewed energy to succeed and assimilate. I may no longer be their teacher, but I am feeling so comfortable with the direction they are heading.

All the children got into the schools I had hoped they would get into. With school due to start on Tuesday of this upcoming week, I am both anxious and overwhelmed, but happy for the children because they are happy with the outcome. I won't lie and say, I wish I had succeeded in my original homeschooling goals or that to see them embark on this endeavor, I feel some (a lot) of sadness, but I assure myself that I will be a better mom for them, as per their request, and that they in turn will grow from all our shared experiences as well.

So why do I write tonight? I write because I am thinking about the "rights of passages"....who defines them? why do they exist? and where will my children be in a year, 5 years, 10, etc....
No one knows, but one thing is for certain, in my mind, there are no "rights of passage" only paths to be explored, made and embarked upon.

My role was never to have my children, dog or husband, follow down my path/passage...only to act as a guide and enabler. Who knows, maybe someone else will take the lead and allow me to follow! I sincerely look forward to that day...with all this "hiking and leading", my feet are really starting to ache ;-)!

"I want to be a billionaire..."

I am sure that if you have children, you have heard this song to the point where you are singing this song in your REM sleep mode; even if you don't have children, you have probably heard this song to the point that you have each and every word memorized.

Anyways...

Why start a blog entry with this title? I found myself humming this song and had to stop and think...what the heck am I doing that for?! Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was doing laundry and cleaning, but I wish there was a song more spiritual or down to earth that would be so deeply memorized by my brain than that particular song. Then I started thinking about it, as is my way, analyzing the song, me, my children, society as a whole, etc...

So what conclusion did I come to? In these hard times, everyone is praying for a miracle. I know I'm guilty of buying a lottery ticket praying all the while that it will be a winner. But is money the solution to happiness? Sure it buys comfort, objects of desire, but does it buy peace? family security and unity? So I asked myself, why are you singing this song?

Well, it does have a beat one can move to - benefit to that is exercise. For me, the other benefit, is to define what or why do I want to be a "billionaire". I went through the gamut of benefits from siding being repaired that is rapidly deteriorating to reupholstering furniture that either my children or the dog have had "accidents" on to paying of business loans not to mention credit cards, but then a light went off somewhere in these thoughts...

If I or someone I love were to not be here tomorrow, for whatever reason, would siding matter? would furniture matter? clothes? jewels? I heard a resounding NO in my head!

Thank God for the roof over our heads, the health of our children, loved ones, friends; thank God for furniture to sit on and for the food that we can nourish our bodies with. In essence, I am a "billionaire", I just need to remind myself of that.

My prayer is for the world to have such blessings; I pray your lives are filled with billions of reasons to be grateful...and as for the song, sing and dance to it for the shear fun of it...it does have a "catchy" beat...and by the way, who wouldn't want to be on the cover of "Forbes magazine sitting next to Oprah and the Queen" - only problem, what would I wear?! Guess I'll cross that bridge when I need to even if it is only in my dreams ;-)!

Nest

So tonight, after what seems like months, I went out with the "ladies"... "girls night out" if you will. The birthday girl had chosen a restaurant named Nest. The company was delightful and the food was wonderful as was the ambiance, but I kept reflecting on the name.

What would prompt three male owners to name their restaurant this...Nest? Whatever their reasons may have been, I formulated my own. An environment that felt peaceful especially when combined with the company of friends. I felt like I was in a nest waiting to hatch in this warm place - that place deep within each of us. Was it the food? the service? the company that I was with? Probably all contributed to that feeling of warmth; wanting to "hatch" - to talk, to share, to grow - in an environment that felt soothing. Maybe it was seeing friends after awhile and just letting down "one's hair". In any regard, it was a night that felt safe and right.

Friendships with depth are hard to come by; friendships where one can share life's ups and downs and yet feel safe are also hard to achieve, but if you are fortunate, you encounter those rare exceptions and in a "nest" you can feel the warmth and "hatch" freely. The "scary" part is leaving that nest and facing ones realities - flying as it were.

Here's to being nurtured and loved in a nest and knowing that you are free to fly at your own pace and when you are ready. Here's to hoping that the three men that named their restaurant were thinking the same things I was...is that possible, for men to have that depth of expression and thought? I can only hope so.

Going to bed with the imagery of what I hope everyone can feel - security, peace, and openness in an enclosed and safe environment. A home where the walls encompass peace and warmth; where the "eggs"/humans within can grow. Going to bed with the hope that every home is a nest even though I know reality bodes otherwise.

If birds can so willingly and consciously not to mention without thought or malice build such secure homes...why can't humanity? My hope is that we can...simple, strong, secure nests to house hearts, minds and souls. A wondrous thought to envision and pray for....

Rock Bottom

I was listening to a commencement speech that a friend forwarded to me that JK Rowling's (the author of Harry Potter) had made at the 2008 Harvard University graduation. She entitled the speech, the "Fringe Benefits of Failure." I laughed and cried - more of the latter, I hate to admit. Her speech was inspiring to me on so many levels, I have to admit that one of my favorite and inspirational lines that she spoke was that "rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

It is my favorite because too often we view "rock bottom" as a place to wallow, feel self-pity and also a place we just decide to stay. God knows I viewed it as such... but to change my perspective on this very poignant imagery "rock bottom", to view it as a solid foundation to rebuild ones life is so inspirational. In essence, there is no "rock bottom"; the earth supports us metaphorically and literally. What an eye opening thought!

"Stripping the inessential" as Rowling's said, also resonated with me. If you just look at the words - take away or rather, throw away, all that is unimportant to what life is truly all about. To pursue, seek and search ones inner quest and to not be afraid of failure because the earth supports us is such an empowering thought.

She continues to say that some failure in life is inevitable and that if you live so cautiously that you do not fail then you are truly not living - "in which case, you [have] failed by default". I repeated that part of her speech over and over again before moving on. I believe she wasn't implying that we should fail, but that taking risks is what life is about. To live, to take chances, to see the world for its possibilities, to not be burdened or inhibited by others views/expectations - I believe that is what she meant by "failure" in that particular part of her speech.

Why quote or even write about this speech that took place over two years ago? Well, first of all, it was just brought to my attention; but second, and most importantly, as I struggle with my day to day "failures" and view them as something horrific or tragic, I am prompted to try and see it in a different light. I have replayed this speech over what seems like a million times... I am inspired to view "rock bottom" as planet earth/God/mother earth/nature... you choose your own definition, as my foundation not my grave. That my "failures" were meant to happen... how else can I move forward? How else can I touch another person or spark another individual's imagination (which, by the way, is the second "lesson" she inspired her listeners to seek in her speech) ... even if that individual may only be my four year old?!

www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html

I am including the url for you to decide for yourself. I write to encourage myself and those who may read what I write; to view life differently as I try to myself. I may have to "dig" (forgive me on my metaphorical analogies) a little deeper to see a little further, but I don't fear that and pray you don't either.

Human Race

Have you ever questioned the little boxes that we check that say what nationality we are? Caucasian? African-American? etc...

Why is it that we are defined by where or within what skin color we are born in? Why is it that "race" is a question? I have been pondering this for a while now... why is it that we are not just one race? The "human race"? Wouldn't that make more sense?

The more we differentiate one another with these definitions are we not just causing more differentiation among one another? I believe so. As I talk to my children, I find myself saying more and more that that "person" is just human and part of the human race not black, white, Asian or otherwise. I want my children to see no color; no religion; no difference.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to just check one box on all the forms we are obligated to fill? Check the box that just says "human race"; and then to work on what humanity's definition should be - humanity, the world, should view itself as one; with one cause - the survival of all...the earth, the people that occupy this earth, and the nature that sustains us all.

Such an ideal dream, but I fear we are so far from seeing this dream. It makes me ponder, even sad, as I work to teach my children one thing and see the world fight to maintain their different ethnic differentiations. If, and only if, we could see that the earth houses all of us and that we are all are equal...what a thought! Radical? Maybe...but I don't think so...or am I just being an idealist?

Believe

How often have we heard to believe? Project positive energy into the world...it will be reciprocated? Karma? I know that I believe, but to what end and how far? I guess the answer lies within each of us. As I write tonight, I want to say "believe like there is no end; as if today is all we have and to be present is all we need to do." I am writing tonight, with a prayer in mind, I believe that there is a greater good and a greater Being guiding us/me. So as patience seems to be ending find the "well" within yourself to dig deeper and to continue believing.

That's it...find that "well" within yourself that holds the truth; that believes. Be the one that notices the tree without defining it as one....meaning define no one or no thing... exist and embrace.

With this simple word "Namaste" meaning "I see the light within you"... see the light within yourself and others. Live.

Manuals for Life

In raising children, I have found that there is so much I do not know...they never came with manuals and we, as parents, do the best we can; but sometimes that doesn't seem like it's fair. Let me explain. Almost everything we purchase or acquire comes with a manual to help guide us and if it doesn't then the purchase or acquisition must be self-evident in its usage. Children however are all so different and no matter how many books you read...well, you will probably not get all the answers or possible guidance you may need.

As infants, I knew to change diapers, nurse them, comfort them, clothe them...my breast (not as firm as they should be are from pregnancy weight gains and losses to breast feeding for long periods of times; my inventions are products developed out of my own necessities) and my gray hairs are sure tell signs of the challenges I as a parent (and I KNOW I am not alone) have faced, overcome and felt rewarded when the outcome has been what I had hoped for; but now as the children are respectively 12, 10, 7 and 4...I sure could use a manual for each of them.

Maybe it's not a manual we, as parents, need; maybe it's a community of us that communicate and share our experiences, wants, solutions to problems we all probably share. The only thing I know is that tonight as I post this entry, I have tucked four precious beings into bed thinking about the day we shared. The 12 year old, I swear is already in her teens...I just miscalculated her year of birth. The 10 year old, is going to give me a serious case of "reptile-itis"...I think he knows every species there is and if I would allow it, they would all be in my home. We had to go through a mini "prayer service" for a snake that had accidentally been run over by a car. You should have seen my son's sadness and mine as well at his grief. We forget how innocent their hearts and minds are. The 7 year old needs a serious retraining program...that child has literally climbed up every wall and furniture we own and I am awe at his endurance...but still can't help but look at all the hand and footprints I see in the strangest of places; seriously, hand and footprints near the ceiling in my hallway. And let's not forget the 4 year old, I think she's going into her teen years as well and again, I have miscalculated her year of birth. Either that or whoever said "terrible twos" was seriously mentally handicapped...did he or she not experience the ages of 3 and 4. Well let me tell you, that person needs to do his/her research over again!

But in having said/complained all this...would I change a thing? A hair on their heads? NEVER!

Children are blessings. I do wish, however, they came with manuals and above all, I pray they don't kill me before my time!

"Love them, nurture them, remember always that they are just children and be patient; they have to grow up sometime - right?!" - a quote I say to myself every day!''

Boys vs Girls

"Toads, frogs, snakes...Oh My!" I know, the song doesn't really go that way, but today I was watching my children...mind you, I have 2 boys and 2 girls and for about an hour, you would not have known the difference. We live in a wooded area with lots of toads, frogs, snakes, geckos, etc. With all the rain we have had of late, all these lovely creatures are coming out in large numbers and my children are in heaven. Today, however, as I watched them play...I couldn't tell them apart and I don't mean that I could tell them apart physically; I mean, I could not tell them apart by their level of interest.

Awhile back, I swore, I would not get skirmish over snakes and lizards, etc. I did not want to raise fearful children...although, I can't help but admit that my skin would "crawl" and I would spend an hour in the shower cleansing myself. Today, I welcome the creatures wherever the children want to place them on me...in my hands, lap, hair. I have found that these fair creatures are of amazing interest and I am thrilled to see the children cradle them with care and curiosity. Always, however, knowing that mom's rule is that you never keep them from their natural habitat. Enjoy them, pet them, love them...but let them go.

So as I sat today, I was thinking, nostagically of course, that just as my children play and nurture the creatures they have found then release them to be free...so too do I, as a parent, do that for them. Nurture, love, grow and then finally let them go!

The difference between animal life and human life is so nominal when put into such a simplistic perspective!

Miss Me?

It's been at least two weeks since my last post and not because I haven't wanted to write, but ever felt debilitated by your circumstances. I am not talking necessarily bad situations...

I took a "little" trip with my children (no husband - who would have been considered one of my children as well so thank God he wasn't along because 4 was all I could handle) to France. A sort of "let's explore and learn" homeschooling sort of trip. Well, my expectations and my reality were two very VERY different things. What did I learn? Not to expect and to still appreciate what I learned!

The children explored the countryside and enjoyed themselves and my efforts in trying to show them more was only thwarted by their lack of desire. I had to put my desires aside and just "go with the flow." Not a natural feeling for a perfectionist and in essence a wonderful thing to learn and try to overcome. I have to admit that no internet connectivity drove me over the edge and then some!

On the other hand, no internet connectivity taught me to slow down, watch the children, absorb my surroundings and feel where I was. The experiencing of the now to the nth degree. No planning per say, but the sheer "well, what shall we do today!" I learned to practice my broken French and yet be understood; I learned to jump into cold water and play with the children; I enjoyed French wine and cheeses that left me wishing for more.

You know why the French stay so alive? They live, they taste - not just food, wine, etc...they taste life to the fullest! A lesson so worth learning!

Well dear readers, as few or as many as you may be...I missed you. I missed sharing my thoughts and heart with you! But let me end on this note...live and live well; take the time to savor your food, your drinks, your children, your loved ones...your life! The French do! On the flip side, if you choose to drive in France, fully insure yourself against all and any potential accidents! I have never been beeped at as much as I was there...and it wasn't because I looked "good" behind the wheel - it was because I couldn't keep up and they had no patience for my cautiousness. They threw care to the wind and let it blow through their hairs! Last few days there, I learned to do the same. You know what? It felt GREAT!

On that note...joie de vivre (joy of living; enjoyment of life; ebullience)!

Losses

A while back, a woman who I got to know because she carried our products, gave birth to a son who had not survived; he had died within her womb. She gave birth to him...waiting for the contractions to begin must have been such a torment; knowing that you would undergo such pain to deliver a child that would not be held forever in your arms.

Further back than that, a treasured friend, had lost a son. He was healthy and for no reason or lets say for misdiagnosis of his illness, he lost his life. Surrounded by his family as they held and mourned him, they said their good-byes.

Several years ago, I gave birth to a son at close to seven months pregnancy. He had died within my womb. I remember thinking, I can't do this. I can't give birth to a child I will never own, raise, love, nurture. But what choice did I have...I gave birth and could only wonder as to why such a painful loss would have occurred.

These are just a few examples. Women undergo such pains often...if it is not a loss then it is in raising a child with a disability or with a matters of concern. Mothers are forever burdened to care and to worry. Maybe "burdened" is too strong a word, but we are the ones who carry those infants in our wombs or struggle for years to adopt a child of our own or even to undergo painful "in vitro" procedures just for the possibility of having a child; we are the ones who give them life and if something should happen, we carry the burden of that loss tenfold.

I, through time, have learned that every loss has a purpose... I just haven't figured that purpose out yet. Tonight as I write, I write because a friend is remembering the loss of her son. My heart aches for her as it does for any other women/persons who are feeling that hole within their heart... irreparable, but most definitely purposeful. We learn that the purpose of life is not acquiring wealth or status. It isn't about small worries or "split milk"... it is about loving enduringly and with a purpose. It is about living with a cause and acting with compassion.

Tonight, I write to say - believe, flourish, love, believe and take the losses life has thrown your way as a means to nurture that which you have and that which you hope to attain; love unconditionally and know that tomorrow is not a given... it is only a possibility!

Birth Certificates

I have been getting emails left and right from treasured friends about their children's impending graduations whether from middle school or high school or college. I swear...they all have dementia because the last time I looked at my birth certificate it said that I was 25 years old. That, technically, means that my friends children can not be graduating from middle school, high school or even college!

All kidding aside, congratulations to all those precious children who have moved up and congratulations to all the parents who got them to where they are today! I guess the lesson learned is that time stops for no one and even those youths who feel so excited about the steps forward they are taking....well, they need to step back and realize that walking to fast only gets you older not wiser.

Well, I'll stick to whatever my birth certificate says, but in the meantime, my hope is that all of us parents, guardians, and loved ones realize that the role we play is quite crucial especially if you consider how quickly time flies. We have this very brief period to set a foundation that hopefully our children can build their lives upon...one block set off center may lead to the entire tower falling down. Think, listen, learn...from others, your children, and your heart.

Facebook

In this past week of absence, I have so much happen. Homeschooling deadlines for the state and to be honest, deadlines I had set for myself; children with slight colds....funny how with each child a "cold" takes on a different definition. With the first, it has to be pneumonia; with the second, it has to be bronchitis; with the third, it is a terrible cold; and with the fourth, well, it's a slight "cold". Funny how you become more relaxed with the passage of time and with each child.

Another example would be, the first child better be potty trained, walking, talking and reading by two; the second, better being doing all the above, but since he is a boy we will give him until three; the third, child, well, he gets a little more leeway since I'm sure he'll get it from his older siblings; and the fourth, well, she better get is ALL on her own because Lord knows, I don't have time to teach her!

Why talk about all this now...well, this week, I have had the privilege of getting acquainted with something most of you know quite well...Facebook. It has been an exciting adventure trying to catch up with old friends, but I have admitted to all and to you my readers that I am so not savvy with the whole thing. For example, what do all the little symbols mean? When it says "share" does that mean just with who I'm talking to or the whole world? As I said to one girlfriend of mine, either Facebook has way to many buttons/symbols/options or I have way too little brain cells left to figure it all out! I think the latter is probably more the case!

At 44, I find myself more comfortable with tangible things that I can hold, read, decipher and put together...like a puzzle. Now I find myself in a world where I have to look up every acronym people are using like LOL, BFF, or LMAO...when did the English language get so complicated or should I say, when did we decide that it was alright to abbreviate our thoughts in such a manner. Doesn't matter, I am of the philosophy that I better learn and go with the flow or I'll be left behind.

The other day, my daughter made a gesture to me. The only finger gesture I knew was a raised middle finger, but this was something so different that I didn't know to take offense or to humbly ask her what she meant; I knew it wasn't good either way. The gesture she made was putting up three fingers that made the letter "W" then she turned those same three fingers sideways to form an "E"... came to learn that means "Whatever!" Go figure, kids don't even have to swear anymore...they can use finger gestures that are completely unfamiliar to their parents or acronyms that leave you going "huh"! I'm too proud to ask, so I'll get on my computer and research it to the nth degree so that I don't give her or any of the others the upper hand!

In a way, it is funny...I remember doing things or saying things to my parents that made them say "huh", but of course they weren't fluent in English so it was easier, but still... what you "sow is what you'll eventually reap!"

So back to Facebook, what a wonderful way to keep in touch, but if I may, and I beg everyone's forgiveness for I know I will anger many or at least many will think that I am "backwards" in my thoughts...but whatever happened to picking up the phone to chat? or writing a letter? I have to admit, I miss those simpler gestures.

To each his own, I guess...but I beg my friends some patience as I learn the nuances of this new technology called Facebook.

Goals

Have you ever sat to think what your goals are in life...real goals, not just the "I wish" ones? As all of us know, you can have lots of "I wish" goals, but the goals that drive us are far different, far deeper and far richer once attained!

So tonight, I was sitting and thinking about goals. The "what do I want and why?" Believe it or not, it wasn't money...it was just peace. Believe me when I say, I dug deep..."what do you mean you don't want money? what do you mean you don't want beauty? youth? success? love?" I must have driven myself crazy before I got centered and focused. "What do you want Anita?" and the answer was so clear, "peace" - inner, outer, mental, physical, eternal, global. Then I thought to myself, "wow, that is an awfully tall order, but heck why not?" If you're going to wish or dream, dream big. Ever heard of the "law of attraction"? Basically, you draw that to you that you want...and there's plenty to go around; so forgive me if I choose to dream big...I wish the same for you.

To quote my favorite poet, Rumi:

The beginning, which is thought,
finds its end in action.

The fruits are first in our thoughts,
but only in the end they truly seen.

When you have done work
and planted the tree,

When the fruit appears,
you read the first words.

Tennis

Why blog about tennis? Well, all my children play tennis including the 3 year old, but that's not why I am writing about it tonight. As I sit and watch the French Open, I sit here mesmorized by the grace; the skill; the sportsmanship...I sit here wondering if I will ever sit in the audience and watch one of my own on center court? Maybe yes, maybe no...but it doesn't matter. Every time I watch my children rally on the court, I sit as mesmorized as I am sitting now.

But again, why blog about tennis? Why is it that I love the sport so much? It is because I consider it a "gentleman's sport" ( and I am not referring to a man playing vs. a woman playing); I am referring to the fact that I enjoy seeing the players play hard for themselves and at the end offering their hand in a shake of comraderie; friendship; acknowledgement of the other players efforts and position/skill in the sport.

I find myself using the rules of tennis in life lessons with my children. For example, if one is mad and slams something down in frustration...I ask, "would you ever consider doing that on the court while in a match?" The answer is always "no". The lesson in tennis is patience, observance (watch your opponent; what is their strength, their weakness?); what game plan are you going to form to win this match? Oh, how the same holds true for life!

Are you [my children] planning life, your goals? Who is your opponent? What do you need to do to overcome/outplay your challenges [opponent]? How are you going to do that?

I see my role as the coach...I am here to guide you, but on the "court of life" you have to take what we've talked about; what you've learned and use it to win! Please know that my definition of winning is not money or status related...it is, how good do you feel about yourself? your life? Every time my children and I talk and have our family meetings, it is all about goals - small or major.

So in this game we call life, how well are we going to play it? A question to seriously ponder.

Another Sunday

Where did the week go? Isn't that the truth of time whether it be a second, minute, hour, day or week...and even to go further than that a month or even a year. I see the passage of time not by looking in the mirror, to vain I guess to do so (joking of course), but in the growth of my children. How did my eldest get to be 12 so soon and my 3 year old is already talking about her birthday in June..."you must not forget the presents mommy!" I already have her "list" although what it says would take a highly skilled scholar to decipher because to me it looks like lines of scribbles...beautiful - yes, colorful - yes, creative - yes, readable - no! So I have had to very diplomatically ask her what each line means as she looks at me incredulously like "what do you mean you can't read this." Oh and the list, it's not just one page long. I believe I will need to have a fundraiser of sorts to meet this ones demands!

As I think ahead to her birthday, I have mixed feelings. I am so pleased to see the children grow, learn, develope their own personalities; I feel blessed that they are healthy...could do a bit without all their debating, but what can you do...I taught them how to speak?! I had to pause for a moment, I had one of those "life passing before my eyes" moments...although mine wasn't the kind you have just before death...it was more like "how the heck did I survive ALL that and thank God I've made it this far!" Children need oh so much more than just food and clothes; there's love, attention, stimulation of the mind and body, adventures with their "peers"...it's true children do not come with manuals and unfortunately, upon giving birth you are practically "kicked" out of the hospital after barely even healing. Forget the "Child Raising Manual", I was just glad they let me attempt to shower before leaving! I guess once your bowels have a movement then it is "A - OK to leave!" That's the requirement you know...a bowel movement and going pee. God, I felt sorry for the women who had a c-sections; sure they got the extra day, but how could anyone think that after a major surgery, the arrival of a new life, the challenges of nursing...one would be ready to leave in 3 days!

Next time I give birth, I am going to The Netherlands! That's it, my mind's made up...Oh wait, I can't have more children...forgot...oh, Well, next time you all have children...go to the The Netherlands! There pregnancy, breast feeding, giving birth are respected...maybe not revered, but darn close; and women are treated with such care as to ensure their healing. I think that is true of much of Europe - or at least that is what I have been led to believe and have read.

Anyways, what was it I was saying...Oh, yes, the passage of time. It goes by fast, but to be present in this moment and in the present moment of those you love...keeps you grounded; keeps you centered and focused; and above all else helps you nurture and nourish not only those you love, but yourself as well.

Sundays

Having gone to an all girls Catholic school in my youth through high school; then to a Jesuit school for college, I find that Sundays, in particular, remind me to be even more prayerful. Maybe it was the fear of God the nuns instilled in me as a youth or the Jesuit priests who lectured me in college...always serious and rarely a smile to be seen. Maybe it was my own desire to understand what was beyond this earthly existence that set me on a path/mission to work through my past as I sought my future.

I have NO fear of God and am only teasing about the nuns and the Jesuit priests (well, half teasing...I got some pretty serious glares and admonitions, but hey, if you're going to sneak off campus in high school and Mother Superior just happens to be at the light across from you and sees you...well, you better damn well be sure your name is going to be called on the PA system to go report to her office!). And the Jesuits, well there again, if you are going to focus on the boy next to you in class as opposed to the austere "man in black"...don't be surprised if a ruler comes slamming down on your desk to get your attention. "Fear of God" - no; Fear of God's representatives/army here on earth - yes!

All kidding aside, Sundays are my day to reminisce about life and to unwind to prepare myself for the week ahead. Mind you, when I get down on my knees on Sunday, I do ask God to give me the strength to get through the week to come...cause God and I both know the definition of "hell" is the week ahead...at least in my household! As a matter of fact, I believe that there is no "hell"; that "hell" is what we make of life here on earth...your thoughts? If you live well, then your soul is at peace; if you don't, then your soul is tormented consciously or even unconsciously by your acts. I may have said this before, but when I rest my head on my pillow at night, I think to myself "did I do all that I wanted to do in this day? Did I live fully? Accomplish deeply? Show love unconditionally?" My hope is that I can say "yes" to those questions. Even if I can't then I think to myself what would you, Anita, have done differently. Let today go...there's always tomorrow! Thank God for that!

On that note, I want to quote a poet I adore...Rumi.

"God's Purpose for man is to acquire a seeing eye and an understanding heart."

How simple, how true.

Nursing Part 2

So my sister, who you will recall is my business partner, and probably the only follower of my blog sends me an email saying "did you really sit on a toilet? Hey, check out these articles I found on other women with issues while trying to nurse in public!" Is she really my business partner?! Granted she has no [perceivable] breasts and at every conference, I'm the one doing the demo on the breast pillow, but did she really not realize how hard it has been for women to breastfeed in public with out being subconscious.

I should put my kidding aside and say that she has one son that she gave birth to very prematurely and we are so blessed to have him in our lives. She had to pump to feed him for several months and although, she got brief glimpses into the joy of breastfeeding, her son's issues didn't allow for her to continue for as long as she wanted for him to continue. Thankfully, he is fine, but I know that she, my sister, went through a lot of guilt and pain as she watched her premature son struggle for life. Now, he is the light of everyone's life...and you would never guess for one instant that he had been born prematurely! He can out calculate you in math and I don't care how old you are; he can out read you and again, I don't care how old you are!" We call him our "little genius" even when he tries her patience to the nth degree (he even knows what that is...God help us all)!

Anyways, back to the original topic. She sends me these links and I'm thinking to myself...did she not read my blog (I am already quite aware of these things) or was she trying to rile me up to have me head towards Capitol Hill in Washington, DC (I live only 2o minutes away) and fight for all womens' right to breastfeed in public?! God only knows how many times I have wished I could do that...head towards Capitol Hill with thousands of women behind me breastfeeding as we marched!

Someday... and even if that day doesn't come soon, I can tell you for sure what is coming - consciousness. We, as humans, I believe and pray are becoming more conscious of not just our planet, but our people and our lives. Breastfeeding is one part of that picture and to me, the first piece in an amazing puzzle that will depict mankind's future! So breastfeeding ladies everywhere - persevere, never fear to ask questions, and nurse wherever you feel comfortable; and please ladies, when I plan my march...don't forget to join me!

Nursing

For quite a while now, I have been working on a nursing shawl that would enable the mom to nurse in public and yet be able to see what her infant was doing while nursing. As I was working on the design, I started recalling all the debates over nursing in public; even the debates about how long to nurse.

I remember with my first child trying to find private spaces to nurse. When a baby is hungry, what are you to do? Deny the child food because the public may view the act of nursing as inappropriate to be done in private only? Stay home for the duration of your nursing time...that could be months to years! I remember rushing into restrooms with a screaming baby because there wasn't a chair in the grocery store for me to sit on. Just imagine sitting on a toilet (with santitary sheets on it of course), but trying to get your body to decide what part of you was to have a "let down" - your bowels or your breasts! For mom's who haven't nursed yet, a "let down" is when your body/mind tells your breasts to release milk down the milk ducts for the infant to drink. I remember thinking to myself how degrading this was [ie. nursing in a bathroom].

With baby number 2, I got a little bolder. In the grocery store, I would find a corner to sit down in... in the aisle if necessary; or I would nurse in my car; or anywhere I could sit. I started realizing that the act of nursing wasn't the act of "exposing" myself. It was the act of nourishing and bonding with my child. I kept my head down because several of the stares I had received while gazing about brought my milk production to a dead halt!

With baby number 3, well I not only got bolder, but could have cared less where I nursed - as long as I was comfortable and if I had forgotten my blanket to "cover" myself... "oh well, look if you want, but you're not going to find much of interest to see!"

And finally, baby number 4, I could nurse sitting, standing, walking, dancing, doing a head stand if I wanted to. And if you thought I could have cared less with baby number 3, you would have been shocked by baby number 4. I came to realize that it was not my insecurities about my body and the beauty of nursing that was the problem - it was people's perception of the act of nursing. The view that nursing in some way was sexual or obscene or some sort of exposure that I needed to impose on the public was no longer my burden to bear!

First, I would never want to expose myself for the public to view; I have too much respect for myself and my body. Second, the act of nursing is natural; it has been part of mankind and "animal-kind" since the inception of both. It is time to re-evalute our priorities and to me our priorities in a child's life begin at birth. It is true that nursing is not always easy and it is often tiresome, but its benefits are felt for a lifetime between not just the mother, but the infant. Whether, you nurse for a minute or a year, the benefits are immeasurable.

Having said all this and now as I turn back to the shawl I am designing, I am thinking... am I being hypocritical for designing such a thing? On one hand, I feel the answer would be yes; why cover oneself and one's infant in an act that God had intended for us to pursue and endeavor in. On the other hand, we are in a society that is not evolving as quickly in its perception of nursing as I would hope. So, I guess I have to weigh two options - scrap the project or continue it because it may ensure the mom's sense of comfort and hence, ensure their desire to continue nursing - even in public.

Entrepeneur

What does that word mean anyways? and should it be applied only to people who take business ideas and their inherent risks as far as they can before either their nerves break them down or their finances?

As a company, Utterly Yours, has always tried to respect not just our customers and retailers, but our value system as well. Meaning be true to ourselves and treat others as we would want to be treated. We know we have products that have not just won awards, but have been proven to work through countless people using them; but what happens when you, as a company, as an owner, don't feel like you get that same respect back?

There have been times when an irrate individual will reach out to me in frustration that the product isn't for them and they want their money back...well, after just 1 minute of calming them down through reassurances that we are not here to take their money but to help; and then another minute of finding out the issue at hand - we both, the customer and I, come to the conclusion that she sized herself wrong. Literally a few moments of treating someone's concerns with respect then helping them solve the problem leaves not just the customer feeling acknowledged, but me feeling as if I have been productive as well.

Now, why have I said all this and why am I awake this late at night? It is because today I found myself dealing with the disregard of a retailer. I had reached out to her several times to resolve her bills with our company only to be ignored...even though the messages were quite clear..."we are all financially struggling can I help break this [your bill] down for you? I'm an entrepeneur as well and know the struggles you may be experiencing. Let's talk."

Well, tonight I believe that an "entrepeneur" should have a broader definition. It should mean someone who takes an idea, and it's inherent risks, but also one who looks at the other side of the "coin" to see what the market really needs; the consumer really wants; and how are we going to respect not just ourselves, but the community in which we have brought this idea to. By community, I mean you could be a corner store or a worldwide enterprise. A "community" is people serving one another and in so doing enhancing their home, their neighborhood, their city, their state, their country, their continent and ultimately, the planet in which we live on.

An entrepeneur is someone who can set an example...then couldn't we all, potentially, be entrepeneurs? What a world it could be!

Shadows

When you look back, are there things you wish you could change, relive, forget? I know I would never want to "go back" in time, but why do I still think about it? I call these memories shadows because they follow me relentlessly. Even if the sun is shining brightly down on me, there's a shadow directly beneath me as if mocking me and saying "you may be blinded by the beauty of the sun and day, but I am still here, underfoot, and waiting."

I'm not scared of my shadow, but lately I've been more aware of it. My father was hospitalized and although he is old and has many medical issues...he is definitely one of my shadows! My mother is another...but don't all children grow up and say the same thing? The other day, my son says to me, "mom, if it continues to rain will the little flowers drown." I replied, by saying "yes, it's possible, but hopefully the flowers need the water and will be fine." I started thinking of the analogy of "showering something with too much water, as in rain, or with other things, like too much love, hate, disregard, too much regard/interference...doesn't it all tend to drown a person? I believe yes. Then a child "showered" by these different emotions has to learn to swim or drown in the environment it is growing. These thoughts were mulling in my head as I drove and I couldn't help but think what am I "showering" on those around me; those I love? I may view it as love, concern, but what do they, the children or family or friends view it as?

So then my mind continues on this path, what if, instead of "showering" people with all my emotions, I just let them come and go as they please. Meaning, not trying so hard to please or to change things or to make things better or different. Just let things be and grow; watered of course; guided of course; loved and nurtured, but not "showered" upon. What would happen?

I believe that individuals would thrive knowing that that there is someone always there for them, but that are meant to grow as individuals. Maybe their shadows wouldn't be mocking them later in life...maybe their shadows would just be "tagging along for the ride."

Humanity

Last night, I had the pleasure of talking to a distributor of our products in Australia. Although, technically, he is no longer distributing our products due to economic circumstances, we were able to touch base and discuss business changes and forecasts. I ended the conversation on a bittersweet note.

Economic changes have impacted not just me as a company, but the world...as far out as Australia. My company focuses on mom's nursing and on the comfort of pregnant women while ensuring the well-being of the fetus they are carrying. I have developed products based on my own necessities that I have come to learn are the majority of women's concerns. And yet, companies such as mine, with the best of intentions are struggling to stay afloat. Why is that? Why is it that good intentions; good products; good companies are struggling? Should I, or others like me, feel frustrated, angry or even sad?

I think being human predisposes us to those emotions, but what if we try to change our perspective. Accept that we can feel frustrated, angry or even sad; but to try and see our endeavor as one worth pursuing no matter what the struggle may entail. I keep telling myself to stay in the moment; focus on that which I love and to not feel defeated. Numbers in a bank account do not measure our self-worth. The family you are nurturing and raising; the extended family that you care for; friends, co-workers - these are the ones that one should measure their self-worth by; meaning, how do they view us and make us feel? If a dollar figure could be put on that, well then, we could all potentially be billionaires!

Back to my conversation with Arthur, our Australian Distributor, I connected with him on a level that went beyond work. It was a human connection about what is important in life; what is important about family and about adventures that we both had enjoyed namely scuba diving. The latter, gives you a perspective on how small you are in relation to the depths of the oceans and the animals great and small that occupy it.

If we could measure ourselves in terms of what we give and not what we get then I believe humanity, as a whole, would be much richer...monetarily and/or otherwise.

Foundations

When raising children, you have to constantly reflect on what you are teaching them and the foundations you are setting for them. Are you imparting your baggage on them? Living vicariously through them? Giving them the freedom to fly? or, ideally, "all of the above". "Your baggage", to me, means burdens you have not been able to overcome no matter how hard you have tried and the journey towards resolution remains one you are willing to undertake. Living "vicariously" through the children, again to me, means seeing the dreams you left unrealized, for whatever reason(s), being brought to life by your children and finally, the "freedom to fly"...to let the children literally see no boundaries and to "fly"/wonder/ponder/explore as they wish. The freedom to be who there are meant to be.

In trying to understand my reasonings for how I raise my children, I have come to realize that the reasons are many and sometimes hard to define, but they all center around one theme....let your children be all that they desire to be; they have seen or learned about your past and the concerns that have risen in your mind; the concerns that guide you when making decisions for their well-being. I have learned from the past in such a way that I want to make certain that my children know that the future holds no limits and finally, if you [the children] don't mind, I would love to share in your journey as your grow and become responsible citizens and adults.

Last night, I took my daughter to her tennis match while my husband took the boys to theirs. My daughter lost one set and tied in the second set before time ran out. She was a far superior player to her opponent (and I do not say this boastfully; I am just stating a matter of fact), but in the car, she started to cry. I turned to her and told her that she lost because she tried to "outplay" her opponent. She had seen her opponent's weaknesses and thought it would be an easy win...well God, and the game of tennis, quickly humbled her. You play to YOUR abilities and to the best of YOUR abilities...you do not worry about your opponent or think to yourself,"this is an easy win." Being humble and true to yourself and your abilities is key. She lost, in essence, because she believed the "game was in the bag!" It was a hard lesson, but truly a worthwhile one.

I recall a saying my uncle had once shared with me and forgive my translation..."The tree that has only a few fruits hanging from her branches, flails her branches in the air for all to see; as if to say, "hey look at me and the fruit I bare." Whereas the tree, laden with fruit, so much so that it's branches "bow" to the ground because the fruit is so heavy upon it, is being humble and not flailing her branches - everyone can see she is rich with fruit.

So on that note, an again with a tree analogy, a person must find richness within themselves and share that with others in a manner that is humble and respectful not to mention having appreciation for being so blessed. To take this analogy a little further, even to be so laden with fruit, your roots must be deep and in fertile soil. In other words, enrich your soul with things that will make it fertile and enable it to bare fruit.

Only another mom...

Another day of cleaning and getting our home classroom in order. School as usual on Monday; much to the children's dismay! One good thing about having to clean dust out of every nook is that you find things you had forgotten about or put aside to reminisce about later...lost treasures of sorts! Today, I found pictures I had forgotten; paintings my children had made that I had "filed" (which apparently translates to "laid on a shelf and then buried it with paperwork"); the wallet my late father-in-law carried - God how I miss him; and an old video of a sonogram of a son I lost at 6 months pregnancy. Although I know his passing saved my life (I was diagnosed with a blood clotting issue), I can't help but wonder who he would have been today and what he might have achieved in years to come. My late father-in-law, in his attempt to comfort me in my moments of weakness, would say, "Anita, God has his plans laid out for us and everyone has a role to play. You can be sad, but you have to believe in God's will...it is 'stamped' invisibly on each of our foreheads."

I cried a bit and coveted old memories; looked around me and felt very blessed. With those thoughts predominant in my heart and mind. At around 5:00 pm, I realized my body and mind had had enough. Time to go out and enjoy a Saturday night with the family.

The children were thrilled to get out! We started at the pet store where my oldest son ALMOST got away with getting a reptile...I say, "almost", because I want him to go back to the pet store when it's feeding time so that he can realize what it all entails...to keep one animal alive you have to feed it the life of another...and to be honest, I think he would be too sensitive for that, but let's see; if he's not too sensitive, then mom's "weak stomach" will have to be the excuse for not getting a reptile!"

After the pet shop, it was dinner time. We went to our favorite restaurant only to find that it had an hour wait. Headed for the bar/appetizer area to wait our turn, when a group of women saw me holding my 3 1/2 year and my 7 year old tugging/dragging on my arm behind me. I am sure my hair, face, and demeanor must have screamed "She's an exhausted mom let's give her a break!" These three gracious women said, "please take out seats, we are about to leave." I thanked them and they responded, "we're mom's too and know how hard it is to go out and enjoy an evening in such a crowd and especially with kids in tow!"

I was so grateful and made sure they knew it. Only another mom would empathize with what another mom may be feeling. I am sure I didn't look my best, but I know I didn't look my worst; and yet, these women knew what I was feeling which was "God, help me find a table to feed these kids." There were at least 10 tables with people seated around them; and some were very close to finishing, but only these women got up for me. Couldn't help but wonder, if I looked my best and had no kids in tow or a husband (instead a group of girlfriends), would the gentlemen at the other tables have gotten up?! These women acted selflessly and with compassion - don't know your names, but I am thinking of your graciousness tonight and thanking you for it!

We ended up eating our dinner at that table and leaving "just in time" - translation - "before any major meltdowns from the younger children! Hope you all had a wonderful Saturday and that you experienced or were the giver of some gracious act that was appreciated by another.

Until we "meet" again...be well and at peace with your thoughts and body and know that the smallest act of kindness you show another will be reciprocated to you and so appreciated by the person you bestowed that kindness upon.

Ever Thought?

I have to apologize but the "ants", I mean installers, gave me such a migraine yesterday that I went to bed in shear exhaustion last night. As soon as they left for the day, I started cleaning so that my children would have a bed to sleep in...migraine and all...I got two bedrooms cleaned and ready for them to sleep in; I figured, everyone would double or even triple up for the night!

Remember the "rooster" that hadn't fulfilled her morning obligations? Well, this morning, she did an "amazing" job; she started crowing by saying, "everyone get your ass out of bed!" Where in God's name did she learn that? I woke up half glad she had gotten us up in time; half appalled that at 3 1/2 I had raised such an ill mannered young girl. I mean goodness gracious, I don't use the word "ass"!!! or do I? I'm going to have to start minding my manners/mouth around her, but controlling the older siblings and even the husband is another discussion!

Anyways, anyone who has hardwood floors installed will empathize...dust enters ever crevice of everything you own. I swear, there was dust even in my eardrums! As I mentioned in my last entry, the pounding may be rhythmic but it is deafening. Well, today was our last day...and although, I had grown quite fond of my "whistling while they work" workers, I have to admit that it was time for everyone to clear out. I was getting that "itch" to clean and get my life back in order. I can not work or think in chaos; and my definition of chaos may be different from others. Meaning, I can take on a lot from work to the children to life in general, but a house or work space in disarray will throw me so off balance that I don't know where to begin. I need clarity of space to have clarity of mind.

So tonight, after literally 6 hours of nonstop cleaning, I feel like I have 90% of my home in order; the perfectionist in me is quitting for the night and reserving some energy for tomorrow!

I wanted to write tonight, however, to share a thought...have you ever thought how there is no difference between us as humans? Meaning, if you show respect you get it; if you show disregard you get that. I shook hands with the workers as they left today and did a final walk through and thought to myself...how gracious these workers had been. They had worked hard and respected my home as their own...and I believe that was because on day one, I had shook each of their hands and every moment thereafter treated them as guests in my home as opposed to workers.

Human beings thrive on the compassion that we show one another; we grow from it and flourish. When we all realize that being humane is part of being human then I believe humanity can be saved.

I won't get too philosophical, but as my "tree roots grow" I am amazed how much "they" are experiencing and learning.

When Patience Gets Tested

Ever wake up and just feel like "it's going to be one of those days?" Well, I did, this morning! Awhile back, my husband and I had decided that we wanted to remove the carpeting in our home and replace it with hardwood floors not just for aesthetics, but also because the children have so many allergies that carpeting just seemed to harbor all they were allergic to no matter how often I vacuumed. Now you do the math, with four children, how often do you think I get to vacuum? People who know me well, know I am a "neat freak"...I prefer the word perfectionist; in any regards, even a perfectionist can't vacuum every day.

Anyways, I digress. The one morning everyone should be up early because the installers are supposed to arrive bright and early, no one wants to wake up - not even the 3 year old whose usually the "rooster who crows" and gets us all going. Well the "rooster who crowed" or I should say the "bedhead who caught a glimpse of the clock" was me and I started "crowing" like it was no ones business!

All the "crowing" and hustling to get everyone up and downstairs; dragging books for teaching with me so I could have my usual school day with the children only led to a headache. The installers arrived right on time - NOT! They arrived at 10:45...the minute I was pulling out of my garage to take the older children to their tutor. Talk about a day already off schedule getting even further off schedule!

Backed into the garage again; welcomed the installers (all 10 of them); excused myself to take the children to their class and then rushed back home. I wanted to be certain furniture being moved wasn't being done so carelessly (I hear you saying "perfectionist", but not so...no money in the budget to replace damaged furniture and so far the installers hadn't given me much faith in their abilities!).

Then the endless movement of old carpet being carried out...like a procession of ants. Rolled carpets on their shoulders as they came down and empty handed walking upstairs to only come back down moments later with the burden of old carpeting on their shoulders. It was actually quite mesmerizing or maybe I was just "zoning" out of exhaustion!

Then the pounding began and would not stop. Like the procession of ants/men, the sound would start at one end of the house and just "drum roll" down the ceiling. I could just imagine the men lined up in a row pounding rhythmically whistling while they worked. Haven't I heard that somewhere? Oh yeah, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs! But this was no fairy tale and no Prince Charming to save me from the racket. To top it off, the two younger children were talking and playing above the noise; oblivious to the hammering and oblivious to my headache turning into a full blown migraine. Oh, the joys of being young and oblivious!

Prince Charming, my husband, was given the small task of picking up the two older children from their tutor at 12:00. What time does he get there? 1:00. How do you think the tutor felt? Well, she wasn't whistling while she worked; surprised she didn't bring a hammer here to "install" a few things into me as well! So much for Prince Charming saving me! He dropped off the children, took a look around and left. HELLO...care to ask how we're doing? Guess not. He had a meeting to attend to and the noise was distracting him from his prepared thoughts for that meeting. OH REALLY! Imagine being in that noise for hours on end? Now 2 children became 4 and the noise level went up several notches. Apparently the older children were also oblivious to mom's migraine and were grateful that the noise made it impossible for their mom to teach...can you all say "snow day" in the middle of spring?!

Well, all kidding and migraine aside, the workers were amazing, efficient and truly as considerate as they could be. I mean really, Anita, there is no way to install floors quietly. Now you may be asking, "why didn't you leave?" Well, now you can call me a perfectionist...had to be sure the work was being done nicely!

What an Amazing Way to "Talk"...Just Blog your feelings

Remember the days when you would make fun of your mother for saying things that were old fashioned or just plain not "cool"? I see myself as a young mom with lots to offer, but today was an enlightening day on many fronts. I repeatedly called my daughter's ipod a "walkman"... remember those things? I felt so cool with it attached to my waist. Faux pas number 1 (by the way, not the first time I've called those things a "Walkman"). Faux pas number 2, I caught myself licking my thumb to remove a stain off my son's face - you should have seen how grossed how he looked (smiling now, but horrified that his own mother's saliva would cause him such angst). Faux pas number 3, or at least in the eyes of my children, counting my change so I could pay for something without having to break a $5 bill; my reasoning, which is valid, is that coins were taking up too much space...my children, however, looked at the long line behind me and were hoping their mother's ability to count would either speed up or that she'd quit and hand the cashier a $5 bill. Meanwhile, I'm just smiling and adding up my pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters to pay for the drinks, but constantly having to call the kids back so I wouldn't lose them; little did I know they were trying to run away from embarrassment.

So what did I learn today? Shame on me for making fun of my mother's accent, mispronunciations and daily faux pas; but above all, I learned to laugh about how cyclical life really is. We get what we dished out...although, I think my sister doesn't get her fair share of what she "dished out" in our youths to our parents - and yet she is my best friend, the one who makes me laugh, and my business partner. My mom, she too, laughs with us as we recall funny moments. Like when, my sister and I were both misbehaving, and she said, "you girls are skating on skinny ice!" God, did we laugh at her and ignore the repercussions of doing so.

So in this quiet moment when all the children are in their beds, I am reminiscing on this day. I am laughing about parts of it; concerned about academic goals that weren't meet; feeling relatively at peace about business goals that were achieved for Utterly Yours and thinking to myself that faux pas are part of life - if you don't make them, first, who's going to laugh and second, how are we supposed to learn?

Be a tree...root yourself deeply and spread your branches to embrace it ALL!

I'm actually "blogging"

For months now, I have been saying my life could be a book...not a best-seller, but definitely a book that would be worth at least paging through; it would make most women feel less alone knowing that there are other moms out there trying to make it through rather challenging, endless days! But why write now? I think it is because I need a voice that is mine; expressed without hesitation and to ears that are older than the age of 12!

At 44, I am starting to wonder if the things I have set out to do in life were for me, the children, my spouse, extended family, friends, strangers...for whom? for what? I've invented products based out of my own needs and necessities in hopes that it would help other women. I sincerely believe all women need to care for one another and nurture each others' souls; it can get drained and depleted so easily. On the other hand, I firmly believe that women have the strongest spirits and the most resilient souls; they can touch the core of those they willingly reach out. We are amazing beings with endless capacities - given the chance!

So why write now and not 6 years ago, when I had started my company and was trying to raise 3 children...one more child came along shortly thereafter! Why now, when not only am I trying to make women aware of the wonders of nursing, but also the ability to persevere; or for ensuring pregnant women's comfort and support in a manner never seen before, but also while I've undertaken the task of home schooling my children?

Maybe, as I said earlier, writing would give me a form of expression that would otherwise be absent.

I want to continue to share my journey's to date with you, but I want to end on this note for now. A few days ago, I was struck by a thought as I worried about the children, their education, my business, our family's debts - everything everyone else worries about as well.

A tree never worries. Ever thought of that? It grounds its roots deep into the ground; lifts its branches to the skies; never asks "God, please let it rain." It just exists; not expecting or wanting; not worrying or planning...so in my deepest moments of thought and worries, I say to myself, "Anita, dig your roots deep and open your arms to all that is around you; be like a tree that expects nothing and yet freely receives what is meant to be."

On that note and until we "talk" again, be at peace and be a tree knowing you can be resilient, deep rooted and with arms [branches] open wide to embrace the world.